Intoxciated
by shakeahand55
Summary: Ok that's it, it's done, this was the last chapter! “I know what you thinking El” she said “how out of character for Olivia Benson…but I’m so tired” she said picking up her cup and bringing it with her to the couch, he followed behind her.
1. Chapter ONE

**Disclaimer: I don't own them, but oh god I wish I did**

**Summary: After intoxicated Casey and Olivia talk**

**AN: If you think I should make this more then 1 chapter let me know. But if you don't think this should be more then one let me know also, thanks. Oh and thanks to my Beta Hallie**

She sat in her seat at the back of the courtroom, watching as the last of the people left. Simone and Casey were talking then slowly looked at her. She got up and turned to the set of double doors, taking a breath, as she got ready to walk out. She walked out of the courtroom, only thinking about getting home. She needed to get home. Walking quickly down the hall she hears the sound of heels rushing to catch up to her.

"Olivia! Olivia wait, please,"

Casey calls as she tries to balance her case material, put on her coat and catch up with Olivia.

"What do you want Casey?" Olivia asks without stopping, but slowing her pace out of habit.

"Speak now or forever hold your peace" Casey finally looks Olivia in the eyes. "I'm sorry" Casey said

"You're sorry?" Olivia asked "For what? The case? You pled her out, I thank you for that. Why are you sorry?" she asked the redhead as they stepped out and into the cold.

"No Olivia, for what happened to you. For how you had to grow up,"

Casey said, even through she knew she could never actually help Olivia from feeling her pain. Olivia stopped mid stride and turned to the redhead, fresh tears in her eyes. She blinked them away before they could make themselves known.

"I know you are, Casey, I know you are," Olivia whispered, her voice breaking as she tried so hard to keep her composure together.

She didn't need to break into pieces on the front steps of the courthouse. Both women started walking again.

"Are you going home?" Casey asked Olivia.

She nodded. "Yeah, I am"

Casey took a deep breath. "Want some company?" she asked.

Olivia didn't answer for a few minutes. She wiped her face and then looked at Casey. "I'd like that," Olivia said as they continued on their way.

The two women were quiet as they walked to Olivia's car. When they got, in both women were quiet and just sat. It was a minute before Olivia stated the car, it was then that Casey spoke.

"How many people know Olivia?" she asked.

"Just two, you and Simone."

Casey smiled sadly. "Why haven't you spoken to someone?" she asked wondering why after all this time.

"Like I said before Casey, if you don't talk about it it's like, it's not real, I didn't want it to be real and neither did Carrie," Olivia said.

"Did you see the bottles that were found at Carries place? Thinking about it now, I never would have looked for those bottles if I didn't go through what Carrie went through. This case could have turned out totally different, I could of ended up different, not a cop, maybe even one of the junkies or cases we get. All because of my mother."

Olivia slammed the wheel hard, tears falling down her face.

"My god damn mother!" she slammed the wheel again blinking trying so hard to clear her eyes of the tears.

After a minute Casey carefully asked if she was ok, not really knowing what to do or say. It was 15 more minutes before they reached Olivia's place, both women got out.

"What would you like for dinner? We can order out. It might be best since I don't trust anything in my cupboards or fridge,"

Olivia said, grinning, which brought a smile to Casey's face.

"Anything as long as it's not pizza. I've already had that. How about some KFC? I could go for some greasy chicken," Casey said as

Olivia smiled.

"Alright, make your self at home, what would you like to drink?" Olivia asked her.

"What do you have?" Casey asked.

"Pop, water, orange juice that looks a bit out of date," Olivia said, laughing slightly. "And beer," Olivia said, finishing the list of the things in her fridge.

"How about some beer? It goes alright with greasy chicken," Casey suggested.

After Olivia had ordered, they sat on the couch with their drinks and just waited in the quietness of the living room. It was a few minutes before Casey spoke

"How do you feel?" Olivia looked at her.

"It feels strange. I never had to talk about it, tell anyone. I feel mad, I feel sad. Angry," Olivia said, trailing off.

"I don't really know why I feel like this but I do," she said stopping to take a drink.

"You should have seen the look on her face when she called me a bitch. God it was just like my mother, it was like I was living it all over again," she said softly.

"It's ok to talk Olivia, talking helps you," Casey said as she gently moved her hand over Olivia's in a 'caring friend' way.

"I know how she felt Casey, wanting to hurt her mother. To hurt her mother so bad just so she could feel the way it feels to have punches land on you and bottles thrown your way," Olivia said taking another drink from the bottle.

An hour later both women sat on the couch with their empty plates on the coffee table and their empty beer bottles and cups as well. After they finished their beers they had a glass of pop, and Olivia had barely sat down when the bell rang, dinner had arrived.

"My god that was good" Casey said licking her fingers and wiping her mouth.

Olivia nodded. "Do you have any work to do or would you like to watch a movie?" she asked Casey, not wanting the younger woman to leave just yet. As if sensing how Olivia didn't want her to leave she shook her head.

"No it's alright, I can stay," Casey said "Here," she picked up the garbage and brought it to the kitchen to throw out while Olivia picked a movie. Casey came back from the kitchen and moved to sit on the couch. Olivia had a pile of DVD'S sitting in front of her.

"Take your pick," she told Casey. Casey looked through the movies

"You have the Omen?" she asked looking at Olivia.

"Yes I like that one, it's better then the other one's and Gregory Peck is pretty good looking for a 60 year old when he did this one," Olivia said, grinning as a blush came to her face.

"And I have on tape To Kill a Mocking Bird. He was 45 when he did that one," Olivia said.

"I also have other ones of his." Casey smiled.

"You don't like him at all do you Olivia?" she asked laughing.

"Okay, so what ever you want we can watch." Casey nodded and picked Mona Lisa Smile handing it to Olivia smiling.

"I like this one" Olivia got up and put it on.

All through the movie they would talk and near the end Olivia had finally fallen asleep. Casey was happy to see Olivia sleeping, she looked so tired lately and Casey was sad to think about her not getting enough sleep all the time because of her work and her past.

She got up off the couch and turned the DVD player off, turning down the TV before turning it off. She got the cover from the back of the couch and covered Olivia with it. She closed living room window making sure Olivia wouldn't get cold then she walked to her bag and got out a piece of paper and a pen.

She wrote a note for Olivia, thanking her for dinner, the movie and the talk and time they spent together tonight.

'Hey, thank you for the good food, beer, and movie. I won't tell anyone how you like Gregory Peck, which would ruin your rep as a 'tough cop' wouldn't it? Anyway I hope you feel better in the morning, and maybe you should talk to George or someone else if you feel you need to.

I'm not telling you to Olivia, I just don't want to see you hurt anymore then you are. Anyway, thanks for everything tonight, hope you had a good night's rest and see you tomorrow

Love Casey'

She put the note on the coffee table when Olivia could find it then got her shoes on, got her coat on and picked up her things before moving to the door. She opened it softly and walked out closing it just as soft.

She had made sure to lock the door before leaving, so as she made her way down the hall she felt better. Better and happier with herself for helping Olivia the only way she could, getting her to talk and helping her through this case.

She had a feeling about this when she first got this case. She could feel it in her stomach something was going to happen during this one, but she never expected this. She shook her head softly as she made her way out into the night street. It took her 5 minutes before getting a cab.

But when she did and gave her address, she sat back and watched the buildings and people go by, sighing she closed her eyes thinking of Olivia and found she was ready to sleep and relax for the night.

* * *

Olivia woke up around 6:30am the next morning looking around. She found the note Casey left on the coffee table. She rubbed her sleepy eyes and then picked it up to read the piece of paper. She read it, and then re-reads it before smiling and nodding.

"And thank you, Casey, for the help you gave me," she said to no one before getting up and ready for another day of work.

**AN: This may not make sense but I tried, and please R & R.**


	2. Chapter TWO

**Disclaimer: it's still the same, I do not own them**

**At 4:07pm Casey walked out of the elevator onto the floor where the SVU Squad Room was, picking up her pace she made it to the doors in less time. The noise of her heels announced her arrival to the room's occupants, the four people stopped talking.**

**Four heads turned to see her "hey Casey" Olivia said smiling, she smiled back "hey guys, I got a call coming out of a meeting, you wanted to see me?" she asked.**

**"Yea, we were wondering if you could get us a warrant for Steven Brooks apartment, the little shit thinks he won't get caught if he keeps his stuff at his place.**

**He thinks we don't know where he lives" Fin said "do you have" she started to ask but was cut off by Elliot.**

**"Yes we have the things you need, so this has no way of getting fucked up by us" Elliot said.**

**"Good because I don't want to have to 'break-up' any more poker games between judges" she said.**

**The four Detectives laughed "yea, we got that and more" Olivia said.**

**After a few minutes of them talking about the case they all got up, the guys grabbed there coats "you ready Liv?" Elliot asked.**

**"Yea, I'll be there in a few, I'll give this stuff to Casey first" she told them.**

**They nodded and headed out for some dinner, leaving the two women in the room watching them go. Olivia and Casey headed to the room where the files and things Casey needed were.**

**"I found the note you left, thanks but you could of woken me up, I can't believe I fell asleep, I am so sorry" Olivia said to Casey as they walked in and Casey picked up a sheet.**

**"It wasn't a problem Olivia, you were tired and I knew you haven't been sleeping that great so I locked up. I left letting you sleep in the peace that you were in, I didn't have it in me to wake you up"**

**she said as her head was down at the page, but her eyes were up at Olivia as she spoke.**

**"Ok will thank you, it was sweet, and yes I am feeling a bit better, not a lot but I know nothing can help me feel good over night."**

**Olivia said to her, picking at her nails as she stood across from the ADA who was looking at the pages all about the table top.**

**"Oh about Gregory Peck, you do know if you ever say anything" Casey cut her off not even looking up from the files she was glancing over.**

**"I wouldn't do that…ok to you I wouldn't do that, to one of the guys hell yes!" she laughed as did Olivia.**

**After a few minutes of quiet as Olivia stood and Casey read a few of the pages Olivia spoke.**

**"I asked George if he could meet me later, and I know he won't let me back out of it, so tonight he'll be the third person to know." Olivia told Casey.**

**The redhead looked up at Olivia as she spoke "I know your not telling me to do anything Casey, and I know it's up to me if I do or don't, but" Olivia was at a loss for words.**

**"Thanks for saying it" she said hoping Casey knew what she was trying to say.**

**Casey was still looking at Olivia, forgetting the page's on the table "your welcome and I helped? I hoped I would have, but…I don't even think I did anything" she said a little shocked that she had managed to help.**

**Olivia nodded at her "Casey you did more then a lot of people would have done, you listened to me and let me talk. You didn't ask if I was drunk…you asked if I was ok and we talked, I know a lot of people wouldn't have even done half of that. So you did a lot more then you think you did" Olivia told her truthfully.**

**"So thank you, and I'll let you know how it goes with George I know I should tell Elliot, he is my partner and he has been for 6 years but" she stopped talking looking at Casey.**

**"Ok this is going to sound like George but, Olivia talk to him when your ready to talk and not before" Casey told her, this time shocking Olivia.**

**Casey went on "you were ready when you phoned Simone at 16, you were ready when told me at the bar, your ready to talk to George later, and when your ready you'll talk to Elliot somewhere, don't push it" she told the woman standing across from her.**

**"Fuck woman, are you spending time with George more often then not? You sound like him" Olivia said smiling, Casey smiled too and they both laughed.**

**"Oh yes it's my secret, I'm trying to take over his job but don't tell him"**

**Casey said with a smile as she held her finger up to her mouth.**

**"So what, we lose you and get him in return? Hell no, you're a better ADA then he could be…ok I've never actually, oh what am I saying, just…look you confused me Casey" Olivia laughed as she shook her head.**

**"Shit…alright…I'm good" Olivia laughed, Casey looked at her "did Munch make coffee again?" Olivia nodded and she broke out in laughter.**

**"You know what it's like, so why the hell do you drink it? I swear one of these days one of you is going to end up just dropping dead somewhere" Casey said, as she collected the files she needed.**

**"My god what a case that would be, I can see it now 'Detective found dead, no cause as to how they died' my god that would be funny…and they would never catch him either" Casey said as they both walked out of the room.**

**Olivia got her coat, handing Casey hers "want a lift back to the office?" Olivia asked "no, it's alright I have to go talk with some ADA downstairs, I'll be a while" Casey said.**

**They both headed to the elevator "but thanks any ways" she said stepping in beside Olivia.**

**"Ok, I'll talk with you later then" Casey nodded "bye, and good luck" Olivia nodded "thanks, bye" they nodded and went there different ways down the hall.**

**AN: Man I am so hoping that this is working out, please R & R and let me know.**


	3. Chapter THREE

**Disclaimer: Nope, I checked I still don't own them**

**"What took so long Liv?" Elliot handed her a coke and moving his coat to let her sit.**

**"I was talking with Casey and giving her the files that she needed for the case, it took a little longer then I thought, but hey I still showed up didn't I?" she grinned at him eyeing his burger.**

**She was starving since the last time she had eaten was dinner with Casey last night. So she picked up the rest of his burger off his plate and started to eat it, smiling will she did so.**

**Elliot just watched, not really going to stop her, but wanting to know why she took it.**

**"And do you mind telling me why Miss Benson, you had to take the rest of my food, why couldn't you wait for your own?" she looked at him with an 'I can't believe you' look on her face, and then she looked at Fin.**

**"Is he for real?" she asked.**

**"Yep, and he's all yours" he said smiling at her, he then pointed to Munch "I get him, your still the lucky one in this place" Munch looked at Fin.**

**"And I get you, I rather have her any day, less work" he said to Fin, making Olivia laugh.**

**Elliot chocked on his pop "you think she's that easy to handle? You want her?" she kicked him under the table "don't get me started on you" she said glaring at him playfully as she finished Elliot's food.**

**There topic of there conversation was light and fun for about a half an hour, then Elliot looked at Olivia**

**"So Cragen said you were leaving after we get back, what's up?" Elliot asked, wondering why his partner Olivia Benson was LEAVING work early.**

**"Doctors" she said 'will he is a doctor' she through "what and you had to go early? It's called weekends Liv" he said wanting a better reason then that.**

**"Hey just because you can't handle working alone, doesn't mean I'm going to reschedule my appointments…I've had this one waiting for over a month so not a chance in hell buddy" she said to Elliot with a smirk.**

**After a few minutes Elliot asked her a question "you asked Casey to plead her out right Olivia?" she nodded, not sure where this was going.**

**"Yes…I did" she said slowly to the three at the table.**

**"Why'd you do it?" Munch asked her "because both Casey and I agreed, that girl couldn't take the shit she was getting from her mother" she said forgetting they didn't know about her childhood.**

**"She was getting hit by her own mother! The woman was always drunk and didn't give a shit about that girl!" she said starting to feel her anger build up.**

**She knew now she needed to calm down before she really blew up, she counted to ten before she shook her head.**

**"She no idea how hard she hit her…she just wanted to show her mother she wasn't in control any more" she said as her voice was dieing out as she spoke.**

**She just looked down at the table, then at her watch "I've got to go, I'm late" she said grabbing her coat "see you guys tomorrow" she said saying bye before walking away from the table.**

**She walked out of the diner, taking deep and calming breaths "you almost blew up in there Olivia, keep cool" she said to herself as she headed down the street to her car.**

**She got in the drivers side, starting the radio as the car came to life. Instead of starting to drive she just sat and listened to the music.**

_The dawn is breaking_

_A light shining through_

_You're barely waking_

_And I'm tangled up in you_

_Yeah_

_But I'm open, you're closed_

_Where I follow, you'll go_

_I worry I won't see your face_

_Light up again_

_Even the best fall down sometimes_

_Even the wrong words seem to rhyme_

_Out of the doubt that fills my mind_

_I somehow find, you and I collide_

**She pulled out of the parking space, as she started on her way to speak with George. She was going to go back to the Station and pick up some files, but she changed her mind.**

_I'm quiet, you know_

_You make a first impression_

_I've found I'm scared to know_

_I'm always on your mind_

_Even the best fall down sometimes_

_Even the stars refuse to shine_

_Out of the back you fall in time_

_You somehow find, you and I collide_

_Don't stop here_

_I've lost my place_

_I'm close behind_

_Even the best fall down sometimes_

_Even the stars refuse to shine_

_Out of the back you fall in time_

_You some how find, you and I collide_

**She how she promised Casey she would tell her about tonight, about her talk with George. If it went bad, what would she say to her? How is she going to tell the guys? Elliot?**

**He might be mad at her, she's kept this to herself for 6 years, and then told Casey Novak, there ADA. He is her partner, why not come to him, talk to him?**

_Don't stop here_

_I lost my place_

_I'm close behind _

_You finally find _

_You and I collide_

_You finally find_

_You and I collide_

**She stopped at a red light, Elliot would understand, he would forgive her. She knows he would, because that's the way he is, he's the best partner she's ever had. After 10 minutes she came to the place where she was going to talk to George, his office.**

**"How the hell did one case make you think so god damn much?" she asked herself as she was looking for a spot to park the car. Looking around she found one, so she pulled into it and just sat in the car.**

**It was quiet as she had the radio off, and just sat making the courage to get out and walk into the building.**

**So after 5 minutes of only hearing her breathing in the quiet, she opened the door and got out, making her way to the building where in one room she would tell another person her secret.**

**AN: I'm going to skip her talking with Huang because I don't know enough to even make it up! So I'm going to just go right into her talking with Casey. I don't know how long this will turn out to be, or if I'll even make this any good…all the more reviews the better. Oh and the song is Collide by Howie Day.**


	4. Chapter FOUR

**Disclaimer: I keep checking but nope I don't own them**

**"Remember Olivia what I told you" George said softly to his friend, she nodded and got up out of the chair and turned before speaking.**

**"Thank you George for everything" she said to him before walking out of his office.**

**Olivia walked out of George's office, and headed right to the elevator down the hall not looking back.**

**She looked at her hands, at her feet, at the walls and the floors, not looking at the faces of the people she passed.**

**She pushed the button and after a few seconds a light 'ding' was heard as the one beside her opened, and people stepped out.**

**She waited till they had all gotten off, and then stepped into it. The doors had just about closed when a person stuck there hand into the doors.**

**To keep them from closing the person said "hold it!" she sighed and pushed the button to open the doors and let the person in.**

**She moved over to the wall at the back not wanting to be near another living, breathing human capable of…doing what her mother did.**

**She sighed and looked at the person as they walked in, it was a black haired woman "do you work here?" she asked Olivia as the doors closed.**

**Olivia wanted to slip right through the wall she was leaning on at the moment, she didn't feel like talking.**

**"No, I came to see a friend that works here" she answered the woman.**

**"Oh I see will this is me" she got off as the doors opened and let her out, Olivia was glad when she was gone. She moved from the wall and got her car keys out, before checking her watch.**

**She got out her cell and was waiting while it rang as she walked out of the elevator "hello Casey? It's me, are you doing anything right now?" Olivia asked.**

**She stopped in the lobby of the building to talk before going out in the cold "alright give me the address" Olivia nodded as Casey rattled off her home address to Olivia.**

**"Alright I'll be there as soon as I can bye" she hung up, stuck it back in her pocket and sorted her keys to find the right one for her car.**

**Walking to her car she unlocked the door and slid in and as soon as she had the car and radio on she yelled at the top of her lungs "FUCK!" she felt better after that.**

_I feel my wings have broken in your hands,_

_I feel the words unspoken inside..._

_And they pull you under,_

_And I will give you anything you want, oh_

_You are all I wanted,_

_All my dreams are fallin' down,_

_Crawlin' around and around and around_

_Somebody save me,_

_Let your warm hands break right through, and,_

_Save me,_

_I don't care how you do it, just _

_Stay, stay_

_C'mon, I've been waiting for you_

**She pulled onto the street where Casey lived looking for the right building. It took her twice going around that street before she found the building, as she wasn't really paying attention to her driving. She had been thinking about her time with George, her mother, her life and talking with Casey.**

_I see the world has folded in your heart,_

_I feel the waves crash down inside,_

_And they pull me under,_

_And, I would give you anything you want, oh_

_You are all I wanted,_

_All my dreams have fallin' down,_

_Crawlin' around and around and around..._

_Somebody save me,_

_Let your warm hands break right through, and,_

_Save me,_

_I don't care how you do it, just _

_Stay, stay_

_C'mon, I've been waiting for you_

**After five long minutes she finally pulled into a parking spot and she felt like flipping off the jerk that had pulled in front of her two minutes ago.**

**But she through better of it smiling a bit "no need to be getting in trouble with the Brass because I'm feeling like I could shoot someone" she said to herself.**

_All my dreams are on the ground,_

_Crawlin' around and around and around..._

_Somebody save me, _

_Let your warm hands break right through, and,_

_Save me,_

_I don't care how you do it,_

_Just stay (stay with me)_

_I made this whole world shine for you..._

_Just stay, stay_

_ C'mon, I'm still waiting for you_

**She parked the car, got out, and locked it before she made her way to the front doors of the small but nice looking apartment building.**

**"Wow, nice place she's living in" she said to herself as she walks in to the lobby getting out of the cold. She looks up Novak, Casey on the list beside the buzzer and pushes the little grey button.**

**"Hello?" she hears Casey's voice "yea it's me Olivia" she hears Casey moving something then a 'buzz' is heard and the door opens letting her into the building.**

**She slowly walks into the building and makes her way to a lone elevator, a few papers on the wall about rent being due by the end of the month.**

**Olivia pushed the button for the elevator to come, and just stood there reading the torn paper on the wall 'pay rent to Apt 1B before April 1st' she shook her head.**

**"Come on" she said as she stood waiting for another minute before the elevator came, it opened for her to see if was empty. She stepped into it and pushed the button to take her up to where Casey lived.**

**She stood in the small elevator watching the numbers of the floors light up as she passed them. Sighing as it stopped to let her out as stepped out into the empty hall way. She walked down the hall till she came to Casey's place, she knocked on the door lightly "Casey it's me Olivia" she said.**

**"Hold on" she heard Casey yell as she made her way to the front door.**

**AN: Ok I hope this is all still ok. The song is Save Me (the Smallville Theme Song) by Remy Zero.**


	5. Chapter FIVE

**Disclaimer: I keep checking but nope I don't own them**

**Well everybody hurts, sometimes, everybody cries, And everybody hurts ...**

**-REM Everybody Hurts**

* * *

"Hold on!" she heard Casey yell as she made her way to the front door, Olivia nodded and stuck her hands into her pockets. Olivia heard the chain being undone after Casey had looked and seen it was her, just to be safe.

"Hi" Casey said as she opened the door for Olivia to come inside her apartment.

"You just get back from talking to George?" Olivia nodded as she slipped off her shoes.

"Yea, I came right over here...why are you doing something or going anywhere? 'cause I can leave" Olivia said as she seen Casey slip off her shoes "no, no Olivia stay I just got back from the store" Casey said taking Olivia's coat from her hands.

"Did everything go alright, you look tired?" she asked as they made there way to the couch to sit and talk. "Everything went as well as it could have, I guess...I mean...he was a shrink!" she said throwing her hands up into the air as if to say she gave up.

They sat for about 5 minutes in slience before Olivia spoke, looking right at Casey as she did so.

"I...I told him Casey, I told him what I told you...and more" she said looking down after she finished, Casey nodded "that's good Olivia, now he can help you" she said to Olivia.

"I know he can help me now and you both can help me get through telling the guys, and...maybe I do need to talk to him...a lot more then just today" she said looking out the window.

"So what happened after I left and you got to the diner, did they say anything?" Casey asked, hoping they didn't bug Olivia. "Elliot asked why I was leaving work early and I said I had a doctor's to go to, I think they all believed it" she looked a little sad as she said that.

"But then Elliot asked why I asked you to plead Carrie out, and then Munch asked why did I do it...and god Casey I just about blew up!" she said as her voice almost broke, but she didn't notice.

"Ok" Casey nodded "and what did you say to them?" she asked Olivia "I said because both you and I agreed, that she couldn't take the shit she was getting from her mother...but then I went almost to far" she noticed she was almost about to cry, and stopped talking altogether.

"I'm sorry Casey, I didn't mean to" she said getting cut off again "it's alright Olivia, I don't care if you cry, remember I told you that before, go on" Olivia nodded and continued telling Casey about the diner.

"Here's exctley what I said to them 'she was getting hit by her own mother. The woman was always drunk and didn't give a shit about that girl.' but Casey I could feel my anger build up, I almost said that I could of killed her for putting Carrie through what I went through" she said "but I knew I needed to calm down before I really blew up, so I counted to ten before I spoke again" Casey just listened to Olivia.

"She no idea how hard she hit her…she just wanted to show her mother she wasn't in control any more" she said re-stating what she had told the guys earlier that night, Casey nodded.

"I just wanted to tell them how it wasn't her fault...how I knew how she felt, to want to kill her mother...to feel all the things she felt...but I didn't, I got up and ran out saying I was late, and never looked back" she felt a singel tear roll down her check.

"I should of never went with them to eat, I should of never spoke about it...I shouldn't of done that to them...god what the hell have I done!" Olivia took a deep breath and just looked at Casey with a sorry look in her eyes.

"I"m sorry Casey, I shouldn't be" but Casey cut her off "but nothing Olivia, I don't care if you just came back from speaking with George, if you need to blow up more just do it, I won't turn away from you come tomorrow" she told the woman.

"I know but, you don't need to hear all this Casey" Olivia said, Casey looked at her with a 'what do you think your doing' glar.

"Olivia, what ever you say right now, just say it, I won't tell, I won't ask and I don't care if it's all mumble jumble, if you want to say it, do it, I'm not stopping you" she shook her head as she sat beside Olivia.

"I just...I'm not sure right now Casey and I'm scared to tell the guys..." she stopped, not really sure if what she was going to say was going to be alright, it's not like she wants to make him sound bad.

"Your really scared of Elliot, and what he'll do and say" she said softly as she looked Olivia in the eye "I know your worried but Olivia, he's your best friend and he has been for 6 almost 7 years, I don't think this will break what you two have" she said to Olivia who was looking down at her hands.

"Would you like a drink?" Casey asked as Olivia as she was still looking at her hands "no thank's" she looked at Casey "thank you through, but I think I just want to go home" she said. "Are you sure, I mean we can talk...if you want but I mean if you" Olivia cut her off this time.

"Yea I'm sure Casey, I'll just go home and think about telling the guys...and I really do mean it Casey, thanks" she said before getting up. Casey just watched her go, she got up off the couch and went to the kitchen to get a drink and then go and finish her work.

_When your day is long and the night_

_The night is yours alone_

_When you're sure you've had enough of this life_

_Well hang on_

_Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries_

_and everybody hurts, sometimes ..._

_Sometimes everything is wrong,_

_Now it's time to sing along_

Olivia got into her car as the tears rolled down her checks, but she wiped them away angerily "you don't desereve to cry" she said remembering her mother saying that to her when she was little and hurt herself.

_When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)_

_If you feel like letting go (hold on)_

_If you think you've had too much of this life_

_Well hang on_

_'Cause everybody hurts_

_Take comfort in your friends_

_Everybody hurts_

_Don't throw your hand, oh no_

_Don't throw your hand_

_If you feel like you're alone_

_no, no, no, you're not alone_

"You don't deserve to cry, what do you hurt for? I'm the one who has to live with you everyday!" she remembered that speech, and the feel of her mother's hand as it would strike her, over and over.

_If you're on your own in this life_

_The days and nights are long_

_When you think you've had too much_

_of this life, to hang on_

_Well everybody hurts,_

_sometimes, everybody cries,_

_And everybody hurts ..._

_sometimes_

"But I had to live with you, and that was ten times worse" Olivia said to the empty car, the wind outside picked up and she could hear it going over the car.

_But everybody hurts sometimes_

_So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,_

_hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on_

_Everybody hurts_

_You're not alone_

She sat there in her car, allowing the tears to fall for 5 minutes before wiping them away and forcing herself not to cry again. She started the car and heaed home, trying to forget everything that was running in her head.

**AN: The song is Everybody Hurts by REM and if I'm totally killing this let me know, thanks!**


	6. Chapter SIX

**Disclaimer: I keep checking but nope I do not own them**

**AN: Thank you to my Beta FLOAT-ON-CLOUD-9!**

Olivia made it home an hour later, as she had driven around the night streets, just driving not going anywhere.

She kicked off her shoes even before she was all the way in her apartment and had locked the door as soon as she walked through it and closed it.

She peeled off her coat and tossed it hoping it would land on something that was not glass, as she tossed it by the table that held a few glass things.

She had started to peel off her things as she made her way to her room, leaving a trail of clothes on the floor.

She moved as if she was not in control, getting a pair of silk Pajama bottoms and a tank top and then turning and putting them in the bathroom.

She walked to the kitchen and turned her home phone ringer off, so if someone did phone she could not hear the phone, and then it would not bug her.

She grabbed her cell phone and grabbed a towel on her way to the bathroom. She put them on the sink and then started the water for her shower, needing to relax.

She fixed it so it would not burn her but it was still hot on her hand, she nodded to herself and then took off her shirt.

As she stood there naked she remembered she had wanted to put some music on, so she wrapped the towel around herself and went out to the living room, pushing play on a CD that was in there. As she made her way to the bathroom the song started to play, and she liked the beat.

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did _

_I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery _

_I will not break the way you did _

_You fell so hard _

_I have learned the hard way, to never let it get that far _

_Because of you _

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk _

_Because of you _

_I learned to play on the safe side_

_So, I do not get hurt _

_Because of you _

_I find it hard to trust _

_Not only me, but also everyone around me _

_Because of you _

_I am afraid_

She stood under the hot spray, letting the boiling water help wash away her hurt, her pain and her tears that were still unshed. She could hear the music loud and clear, in both her ears and her mind as the words played.

_I lose my way _

_In addition, it is not too long before you point it out _

_I cannot cry _

_Because I know, that is weakness in your eyes _

_I am forced to fake, a smile, a laugh_

_Every day of my life _

_My heart can't possibly break _

_When it wasn't even whole to start with_

"I think she knew when she gave me this CD that I would listen to it" she said out loud "but I through she knew I hated Kelly, damn both of them" she said running her hand through her now soapy hair.

_Because of you _

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk _

_Because of you _

_I learned to play on the safe side _

_So I don't get hurt _

_Because of you _

_I find it hard to trust _

_Not only me, but everyone around me _

_Because of you _

_I am afraid_

She closed her eyes and rinsed her hair, leaning her head back 'who knew a song could make you feel like the song was made FOR you' she through as she really let the words sink in.

_I watched you die _

_I heard you cry_

_Every night in your sleep _

_I was so young _

_You should have known better than to lean on me _

_You never thought of anyone else _

_You just saw your pain _

_And now I cry _

_In the middle of the night _

_For the same damn thing_

"You know you have to tell Elliot and the guys right Olivia" she opened her eyes, wondering where in the world that came from "you can't leave them in the dark any more, they need to know, there your family" she released it was that nagging voice in her head, telling her what to do again.

_Because of you _

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk _

_Because of you _

_I learned to play on the safe side _

_So I don't get hurt _

_Because of you _

_I tried my hardest just to forget everything _

_Because of you _

_I don't know how to let anyone else in _

_Because of you _

_I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty _

_Because of you _

_I am afraid _

_Because of you_

_Because of you_

"Can you believe that a nagging voice in your head that pisses you off to no end, that always tell you want and what not to do can actually make you freeze?" Olivia spoke aloud not caring if it made sense or not.

She raised her head and let the water beat down her body again she sighed for what felt like the 1000th time.

She washed her face and rinsed again before turning off the shower, pulling back the curtain, unfolding, and wrapping the towel around her naked and wet body.

She stepped out of the bathtub, dried off her feet, and then made her way to her room to changed into a comfortable nightshirt and a pair of bottoms.

She took her time being dried and changing as she was starting to get nervous about what she was going to say on the phone and tomorrow, and what she was going to hear from them, from Him.

She looked at the clock and sighed, she could not put if off any longer, so she walked to the living room, put off the music she had going and picked up the phone.

She dropped it on the couch as she made her way to the kitchen and she opened the fridge, pulled out a bottle of water, and brought back to the couch with her.

She sat with her knees up to her chest and cracked open the bottle, taking a long drink of the cool liquid.

She put the cap back on and placed it down on the floor at her feet she grabbed the blanket from behind her on the back of the couch and pulled at around her body.

She needed to feel it is warmth and to feel the safety it gave her, it was not going to judge her tonight or ever.

She placed the phone on her knees and just looked at it, she studied it and only now did she notice the scratch on its side from when she got mad and slammed it down on the table about 4 months ago.

She picked it up, it felt like her gun, it was heavy in her hands, and she felt like if she made this call then she would end her life, as she knew it.

Just as she was going to put it on and make her call the phone sprang to life, ringing wildly and scaring the shit out of her, she had just about dropped it when she jumped from the fright.

She picked it up slowly on its third ring and brought it to her ear after turning it on "hello?" she said.

"It's me, Casey, did you call and tell him yet?" she asked "or did you just get home?" she asked Olivia.

"No, I've been home for a while, but I just got out of the shower…and I'm not telling him tonight, I'll do it tomorrow" Olivia said to Casey as she ran her hand down the edge of the couch looking for the bottle of water as she was thirsty again.

"Oh, ok I am sorry for bug you, I will go now" Casey said feeling like the one she had done something wrong by phoning Olivia.

"No it's ok Casey, not I have to phone because I was actually just going to leave the phone here and go to my room, and not call Him, but I will when I get off the phone with you" Olivia said to her friend.

"Did you get your work done? Olivia asked her "how did you know I had work home with me?" Casey asked her, shocked.

"I seen your case under your coat as I was leaving, but I did not know what it was until I got home as it was under there all the way" Olivia said to her.

"Oh, will yes most of it's done, so I guess I'll get off here and try and get to sleep, good luck tomorrow if I don't see you, good night Olivia" Casey said.

"Thank you Casey, and good night" she said as they both ended there call and Olivia placed it back onto her knees, taking up her old job of studying it again.

She looked at it for 5 minutes still thinking of good reasons for not calling but she knew she had to as she told Casey she would, so she did finally.

She pushed it on and then dialled his number, one by one in a slow manner before pushing the last button and putting it to her ear.

"Hello? Elliot, it's me," she said pulling the blanket even tighter around her body, she could hear the wind starting to pick up outside.

"Elliot we need to talk" she said and then shook her head "no not on he phone, tomorrow. Yes please if you would, yes this is important and no it's not life or death, now sorry I called to late I'll shut up now and let you get your sorry ass to bed, good night El" she said as he said bye before hanging up the phone.

She sighed in relief "mission one: complete. Mission two has just started…the hardest damn part," she said rubbing her face with both hands and putting the phone on the other end of the couch.

"Ok now you need to get your sorry ass to bed Benson or your not going to be able to tell him jack-shit," she said pulling herself up from the couch and putting out the light and walking to her room hoping for some sleep.

**AN: The song is Because of You, by Kelly Clarkson, please review and let me know what you think!**


	7. Chapter SEVEN

**Disclaimer: I keep checking but nope I still don't own them**

* * *

Olivia walked to the coffee maker and made sure to make a strong pot so she could be ready to tell Elliot later.

She laughed, John was going to be pissed that he couldn't make the coffee again "oh well, you snooze you lose" she said fixing it before going back to her desk to wait.

"Who are you talking to?" Elliot asked as he and Fin walked in, Munch right behind them "alright why are you making coffee" Munch said looking at Olivia.

"I'm making it because yours tastes like shit and I was the only one here, except for the cap" she said smiling sweetly at him.

"And I was talking to myself" she said sitting at her desk "oh no, don't tell me you've gone crazy too" Fin said.

"I get enough from him I don't need it from you too Olivia" he said walking up to her and putting his hand on her forehead.

She slapped it away "I am not crazy and I never will be" she said smiling like a mad woman then baring her teeth up at him, Elliot laughed as did Munch, Fin and Cragen who walked into the Squad room from his office.

"Alright, you all might want to get your coffee before I start talking" he said shaking his head and laughing as Olivia titled her head, smiled and then jumped up from her chair and was at the coffee maker faster then Fin who was 5 steps away from it.

She got her hot cup before making one for each of them, she felt odd today and maybe it was because she was about to bear her dark and secret past to her best friend later tonight.

"Why are you so happy, good night or did you smoke something?" Elliot asked her raising his brow "not if you call getting an hour and a half sleep a good night" Olivia said passing out a cup to Fin and the Munch.

"And no I didn't smoke anything, but if I did you would get your share" she said handing him his coffee and walking over to Cragen with his.

She walked back, got her cup then took it back to her desk and sat with it, her hands wrapped around the hot cup.

"Ok let's get this day started" Cragen said as he picked up 2 file folders and handed one to Fin and the other to Elliot.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia walked into the Squad room rubbing her hands on her jeans "eww Elliot I need to go wash my hands again this stuff is still on there" she said bringing them to her face so she could see them.

"Alright just hurry up and then we can go fill out that report, then we can get out of here faster!" he said frowning, he hated paper work.

The case Olivia and Elliot had was one big joke, first off it was a false report and then no one would tell what really happened, then one of the guys ran and Olivia chased him to see what he had to say.

She caught him but as she did they both fell as they ran through oil and they slipped falling into the black guck.

She got him back to Elliot and the other two people and then it all got sorted out, she had clamed that the one that ran, Peter raped her and he claimed that the other guy, Dave beat him up.

But it all turned out that they all lied, she was cheating on Dave with Peter so he beat Peter up, so their day sucked!

But they did have Dave on assault but other then that it totally sucked.

Olivia walked out of the bathroom, finally happy that her hands were clean from the left over oil that had been on them.

She ran into Casey coming out of the elevator and was heading to the Squad room.

"Casey!" she turned and stopped as she waited for Olivia to catch up to her.

"Did you oh never mind I forgot your telling him later tonight right" Olivia nodded "oh, well how was your day?" she asked.

"How many different ways can I say it was hell?" she said as they started to walk to the squad room together.

"It was one big joke, and then after all of it I chase the dumb ass to see what was going on, ask Elliot for details, but both the 'perp' and I slipped and fell into the oil that just happened to cover the ground" she said again rubbing her hands on her jeans.

"How was your day?" Olivia asked Casey, she nodded as they walked through the doors into the squad room "good, I beat Trevor…I wiped the freaking court room floor with him!" she said smiling happily.

_I know this pain (I know this pain, I know this pain (echo))_

_Why do lock yourself up in these chains? (these chains, these_

_chains (echo))_

_No one can change your life except for you_

_Don't ever let anyone step all over you_

_Just open your heart and your mind, mmm_

_Is it really fair to feel this way inside?_

"That's good to see someone had a good day" Olivia said moving to her desk to get a seat, offering Casey a place to sit on top her desk if she wanted.

_Ooh some day somebody's gonna make you want to_

_Turn around and say goodbye_

_Until then baby are you going to let them_

_Hold you down and make you cry_

_Don't you know?_

_Don't you know things can change_

_Things'll go your way_

_If you hold on for one more day_

_Can you hold on for one more day_

_Things'll go your way_

_Hold on for one more day (one more day)_

"No I have to tell Cragen the results then ask about the case Fin and Munch had to see if they need a warrant or anything before I 'sign out' for the day" she said, Olivia raised her brows.

_You could sustain (you could sustain , you could sustain_

_(echo))_

_Mmm or are you comfortable with the pain?_

_You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness (no baby)_

_You got yourself into your own mess (ooooooo)_

_Lettin' your worries pass you by (lettin' your worries pass you_

_by)_

_Baby don't you think it's worth your time_

_To change your mind?_

"Got a date counselor?" Casey laughed "yea, with my doctor, and she happens to be married and then my parents are coming over" Casey said "want to trade?" she said smiling with a laugh.

_Ooh some day somebody's gonna make you want to_

_Turn around and say goodbye_

_Until then baby are you going to let them_

_Hold you down and make you cry_

_Don't you know?_

_Don't you know things can change_

_Things'll go your way_

_If you hold on for one more day_

_Can you hold on for one more day_

_Things'll go your way_

_Hold on for one more day (one more day)_

"Sure, then maybe you could do the task for me tonight" Olivia said "as I'd love to meet your parents, then you can see the looks and not get all pissy and cry when you explain it all to him tonight" Olivia said.

_Noo noo, some day somebody's gonna make you want to_

_Turn around and say goodbye_

_Until then baby are you going to let them_

_Hold you down and make you cry_

_Don't you know?_

_Don't you know things can change_

_Things'll go your way_

_If you hold on for one more day_

_Can you hold on for one more day_

_Things'll go your way (oh things'll go your way)_

_Hold on for one more day_

Casey shook her head "nope sorry there Olivia, your doing it and I'm going to see you tomorrow so you better have done it, because if you don't I'll know" Casey said before touching her on the shoulder softly.

_Breakdown_

_I know that there is pain_

_But you hold on for one more day_

_And you break free from the chains_

_Yeah I know that there is pain_

_But you hold for one more day_

_And you break free right from the chains_

"Good luck with it tonight Olivia" she said softly before walking to Cragen's office, Olivia sighed.

_Some day somebody's gonna make you want to_

_Turn around and say goodbye (and say goodbye)_

_Until then baby are you going to let them_

_Hold you down and make you cry_

_Don't you know?_

_Don't you know (no) things can change (no)_

_Things'll go your way_

_If you hold on for one more day, yeah_

_Can you hold on_

"Thanks I know I'll need it" Olivia said as she watched Casey walk away and her partner pass her desk to sit at his own.

_Don't you know things can change_

_Things'll go your way_

_If you hold on for one more day yeah_

_Can't you change it this time_

_Make up your mind_

_Hold on Hold on_

_Hold on Hold on, baby hold on_

_Turn around, Just turn around baby_

_Hold on for one more day, Cause_

_It's gonna go your way..._

"Why is Casey here?" he asked "did we piss off someone?" he asked, Olivia shook her head "no she's just talking to Cragen, that's all" she said, he nodded.

"Will if we finish this I think if were really nice to Cap he'll let us off on" Olivia cut him off with her laughing "fine but you're the one asking him, I would like to keep my skin thanks" Olivia said not wanting to get caught if Cragen was in a pissed off mood.

"Fine but let's get started, because if we do get to finish I would like to be out of here at a good time" Elliot said, Olivia nodded and picked up her pen and opened a file Elliot tossed her.

She stared at the page and started to fill out what need it wondering about how everything was going to go tonight, and what if anything in there friendship would change.

* * *

**An: The song is by Wilson Phillips and it is called Hold On for One More Day, and a very big thank you for all the reviews!**


	8. Chapter EIGHT

**Disclaimer: I keep checking but nope I still don't own them**

* * *

Fin and Munch walked into the Squad Room as they were just back from there case as they had another lead, but now they had to do paper work. 

"Yo man shut your mouth, I swear your worse then my mother shut up" Fin said shaking his head he was talking about how Munch keeps pointing out the things he does wrong when he drives.

Elliot looks up from the paper work that he just finished and laughed "hey 'Liv I'm done" he said not looking at her as he dropped his pen onto his desk, but she never answered.

"Are you ready" he said turning to look across there desks to see Olivia sound asleep with her head on her hand and the pen still in her hand

Fin and Munch noticed Elliot just sitting there looking at Olivia, so they looked at her too, to see her asleep also.

He shook his head with a smile and got up to see if she had done anything, and he was shocked to see that she had only one more thing to fill out.

"Holy shit, she's just about done" he said aloud, Munch and Fin put there coats over the back of there chairs and walked over to the two.

He softly spoke to her "Liv, hey come on you have to wake up now" he said before he noticed tears falling down her face.

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

_Cause your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

"No please I promise" she said softly just about a whisper when he put his hand on her shoulder "please no" she said again, Elliot looked at her with fear on his face and then removed his hand.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time can not erase_

What the hell was going on with Olivia? He through to himself as he seen Munch and Fin pop up on the other side of Olivia's sleeping body.

_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

"What's going on with her?" Fin asked "all of a sudden I hear her saying please, what's up?" he asked looking at Elliot.

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light_

_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

"I don't know man, that's what I'm going to ask when she wakes up" he said "I guess she really didn't get any sleep last night" Munch said looking at her crying sleeping form.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time can not erase_

"NO!" she said louder shaking her head back and forth, making it fall from her hand and she hit it off the top of her desk, waking her up.

_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

"Ouch! God damn" she said rubbing her head sitting up, not knowing that she had been talking in her sleep, and that they heard.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

_But though you're still with me_

_I've been alone all along_

She shut her eyes and held her head as the sharp but dull pain made its way through her head.

_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears_

_I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

She noticed the guys around her and frowned "what did I do?" she asked looking at Elliot wondering.

"You feel asleep" he said looking at her, not even trying to hide his worry for her, she titled her head "you were saying something Olivia" Fin said from her other side, she looked confused.

"Oh well…whatever, are you done Elliot?" she asked not wanting to keep talking to them right now.

"Yeah" he said knowing that she didn't want to talk "you were sleeping for about an hour, and yet your just about done, how is that?" he asked as Munch and Fin gave up and headed back to there desks to start there own work, but gave Elliot a look to let them know that he would tell them if she wasn't ok.

"El, I'm sorry for falling asleep" she said rubbing the last trace of her tears away as she finished filling in the page.

"It's ok Liv, Cap doesn't know and we won't say anything" he said as the two nodded at her, wondering what the hell was going on.

She closed her eyes and nodded "I know El, and I'm not sure why I'm so worried" she shook her head "you know what, we can go now, I'm done" she said closing the file and dropping her pen.

She had quickly written what was needed she wanted to get out of here as fast as she could. "Ok I'll give these to the Captain and" she looked at him "I'm going to the bathroom" she said getting up.

She made herself not rush until she was out of view from the one's in the squad room, then she made a mad dash to the bathroom.

Her stomach was turning and she felt like she was going to be sick, and she knew she was going to be in a few seconds.

Elliot smiled as he said good-bye to the Captain and closed his office door, he was happy that they could leave for the day.

He grinned as Fin and Munch glared at him "and where do you think your going Stabler?" Fin asked looking at him.

"Leaving, Cap said we would go since its quiet and were done the paper work" he said grabbing his keys from his desk.

"Suck up!" he called as Elliot grabbed both his and Olivia's coat and laughed as he waved and walked out of the squad room.

"Good –bye you two" he said as he turned and got a paper ball bounced right off his face, Fin and Munch laughed.

"Go if you must, tease" Fin said "go on get out of here" Munch said "alright I'm gone" Elliot said before picking up the paper ball and tossing it in the garbage before walking out.

He walked down the hall towards the bathroom knowing Olivia wasn't out yet, so he leaned against the wall and waited.

He didn't have to wait long as the door opened and a sick looking Olivia came out rubbing her face and not seeing him.

"'Liv" he said making her jump as he scared her "god El, trying to give me a heart attack?" she asked looking at him.

"Nope, you're the reason I'm not in jail yet" he said making her laugh.

"Yeah because if I didn't get IAB off your ass so many times before…" she let the sentence hang as she smiled as he handed her; her coat.

"Thanks" she said putting it on "your welcome, and thank you" he said before they walked to the elevator.

She pushed the button "let me guess, Munch and Fin are mad because were leaving and they still have to do there papers?" he nodded "I got a paper ball in the head" he said.

She laughed "I think Fin has a drawer filled with already made paper balls" she said as the elevator came, he laughed as they both stepped in.

"Why do you think that 'Liv?" he asked looking at her happy to see she looked better then when she first walked out of the bathroom.

"Think of it El do you ever see him making any? No but yet you always see him tossing them at Munch or you or in the garbage can" she said laughing as Elliot started to actually think if he ever remembered seeing Fin make any paper balls.

"My god El, are you actually thinking about it?" she asked shaking her head, he nodded the elevator stopped and the door opened, she walked out and he followed.

"No" he said quickly "yeah sure, and I'm married" she said with a smile as they made they way out of the station to get to the car.

"So where would you like to go Miss Benson?" Elliot asked as he got in the driver's seat and pt his seat belt on, waiting for Olivia to do the same.

"How about dinner, I'm starved" she said, he laughed "your always starved" he said receiving a light playful hit on his arm.

"Oh shut up you!" she said "and drive" he nodded "yes ma'ma and where to?" he asked as he started the car.

"I don't know…how about fish and chips? I feel like fish" Olivia said grinning and licking her lips.

"Alright, you're lucky I'm so nice to you" he said, she smiled and batted her eyes at him.

"You couldn't be anything but nice to me" she said "because you love me" she said dragging out the word love.

He laughed "sure I do 'Liv, sure I do" he said smiling as he turned left.

"Of course you do" she said "I only love you because I have to" he said laughing happily to see her laughing and smiling.

She hit him softly again on the arm and then leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep" she said "it's ok 'Liv, I told you that, you said you didn't get any sleep last night and you looked like hell after our 'case' so I'm actually kind of happy you got some sleep" he quickly taking a look at her.

He put his eyes back on the road "so is that place good?" he asked pointing to a place on there left.

"Sure, there good and there chips are to die for" she said smiling as he pulled into a parking spot.

"You really are hungry aren't you?" he said as they both got out of the car she nodded 'and I'll need the energy to tell you everything tonight' she said to herself as they walked in.

* * *

**AN: The song in here is My Immortal by Evanescence and please R&R and let me know what you think!**


	9. Chapter NINE

**Disclaimer: I keep checking but nope I still don't own them**

**AN: I don't remember what happened with Elliot and Kathy during this time so I'm just going to say that he lives in a apartment in the city, not Queens and he gets to see the kids on the weekend and Maureen is in College so she can see him when ever she wants! **

* * *

After dropping a few dollars on the table along with the money they owed for dinner, they grabbed their coats.

As they were going out Olivia spotted a dish with candy in it, she put a dollar in the clear box and then grabbed 4 candies from the dish with a smile.

Elliot held the door open for her and she as passed him she dropped two of the candies in his pocket before saying thank you for him holding the door.

He felt her hand touch his pocket then go as quickly as it came, he laughed.

"What are you a pick-pocketer now 'Liv? Because if you are you suck at it" he said putting his hand in his pocket to see what was in it.

She laughed with a smile "no but if I really wanted to steal your wallet you wouldn't know it was gone until to late" Olivia said smiling, but unknown to Elliot she was not joking.

"No don't worry, everything is still there, I got you some candy through!" she said unwrapping one of hers and popping it in her mouth, putting the wrapper back into her pocket with the other unwrapped candy.

He pulled out the small candy and looked at it and then smiled "it's a mint, what are you saying?" he laughed as she grinned.

"I'm not saying anything, you're the one talking" she laughed "why you don't like your early birthday present?" she said as he opened the car door to unlock it for her.

"Well 'Liv all I can say is, if your getting me a mint for my birthday then you better be ready for a new shirt" he said laughing.

"What's wrong with my shirts?" she asked as she opened her door "you wear the colour blue too much 'Liv, go for different colours once and a while your making me hate the colour" he said smiling so she knew he was playing.

"Will then you should stop with the same colour tie almost every damn day" she said holding back a laugh as he looked down to see his tie.

"Don't tell me you forgot what colour it was?" she laughed as he nodded "priceless El that's what you are" she said as she put on her seatbelt, he did the same.

"Oh hey I forgot to say this for fear of your ego but your right 'Liv that was good" Elliot said and then had to hold his arm as she punched it with a smile on her face.

"El, aren't I always right?" he snorted "maybe in your dreams 'Liv" he said, she crossed her arms and stuck out her bottom lip and pretend to pout.

"Oh don't start that, that doesn't work for Lizzi or any of them for that matter" he said as he started the car, she put on her seat belt.

"Oh, how are the kids?" she asked him looking at his face to see if she could see anything, she could see a bit of pain and happiness on his face.

"There good" he said smiling while he nodded his head slowly.

"I got to see them on the weekend, Kathleen is getting 70's and 80's in her math class, Lizzy and Dickie there parent teacher is tomorrow night and I'm going to go with Kathy as she said we should both go so I'm not sure about them and Maureen is top of her Science class, I think she said she's doing a History Major and she said she's going to try for a PhD as well" he said trying to remember what his oldest child told him.

"Wow, so she's going to be a doctor? That's great" Olivia said truly happy for his daughter, and she could see that he was happy as he talked about them.

"Yeah I'm so happy for her" he said smiling, his oldest baby girl was growing up so fast.

"So, where to 'Liv?" he asked as they stopped at a red light "El, mmm can we go back to my place, there's something…something I need to tell you" she said looking out the window.

She didn't want to and she couldn't handle it if she looked at him right now as she said that.

She could feel his eyes on her as she looked out the window "El, stop looking at me and drive" she said still looking out the window.

"'Liv, what's" she cut him off "no Elliot, not until we get to my place" she said hearing him sigh.

She sighed and closed her eyes and then reached to put on the almost never used radio.

_Spend all your time waiting for that second chance _

_For the break that will make it ok_

_There's always some reason to feel not good enough _

_And it's hard at the end of the day _

_I need some distraction oh beautiful release _

_Memories seep from my veins _

_They may be empty and weightless and maybe _

_I'll find some peace tonight _

"Liv" Elliot said softly thinking that she was mad at him or worse, she was leaving SVU, because she never turned the radio on if it wasn't something big she had to say.

_In the arms of an Angel fly away from here _

_From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear _

_You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie _

_You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here _

She opened her eyes and looked at him, she frowned "it's not you El, I'm sorry" she said softly "don't think I'm mad at you" you said.

_So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn _

_There's vultures and thieves at your back _

_The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies _

_That you make up for all that you lack _

_It don't make no difference, escaping one last time _

_It's easier to believe _

_In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness _

_That brings me to my knees _

"Ok so why did put the radio on?" He asked then stopped at another red light and looked at her with fear on his face.

"You're not leaving SVU are you?" he asked with worry and she looked at him.

_In the arms of an Angel far away from here _

_From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear _

_You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie _

_In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here _

_You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here_

She shook her head with a smile "no El, don't worry I'm not leaving SVU" she said nodding.

"I'm not leaving until I'm forced, and even then you know I won't go down without a fight" she said.

He nodded to himself as they got closer to her apartment, she was right and he was the same, unless he died or was forced he wasn't leaving SVU without a fight.

"So are you pregnant? Because it's either that or your leaving, because I can't think of anything else" he said she looked at him shocked.

"Why the hell would you think I was pregnant Elliot?" she asked totally floored as her voice got loud.

"Because you only listen to music or turn on the radio when your about to say something big and important." He said to her as he put on his blinker to turn right.

She looked at him still not believing all the words that just came out of his mouth about him thinking she was pregnant.

"Elliot, where do you get these ideas?" she asked "where do you get yours?" he asked her letting her know his answer was going to be the same as hers.

"It's just, pregnant El…you know I bet I could actually make some money off the Beat cops down in the 4-7th and in our squad room, because I know for a fact they watch me and they would be drooling if you actually said that louder in the Squad Room" she said laughing.

She didn't notice as he found a place to park in front of her building, but when he opened her door she noticed and quickly undid her seat belt.

She got out and let him shut the door for her then they made there slow walk up to her place, where she was going to bear her naked soul out for him to see.

* * *

**AN: Yes I know I leave my chapters at a strange place, but forgive me and please review! Oh and the song in here is In the Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLaughin…ok so I can't spell her last name, sue me!**


	10. Chapter TEN

**Disclaimer: I keep checking but nope I still don't own them**

**AN: Ok after some major family problems, a lot of writers block and just plain not caring about anything in life I have chapter 10 done and ready to read, mistakes and all that crap included too…because I am me! So please review, because I need ideas for chapter 11!**

* * *

Olivia put the hot coffee mug on the coffee table in front of her and then sat cross legged on the couch facing Elliot.

"So, where do I begin?" she said softly "try at the start 'Liv, you'll be amazed at how good it works when you start there" he said smiling and hoping this could help her, knowing this was going to be tough for her.

"Funny El" she said looking at her hand, and then she looked at him "thanks" she said, he nodded.

"Hey that's what I'm here for, to cheer up my partner" he said, making her blushed lightly "without you El I don't know what I would do" she said.

She sighed and then closed her eyes, happy she got her little nap earlier.

"El, you know how at the diner the other night you all were wondering why Casey plead Carrie out?" he nodded not sure what to think.

"Yeah, but you said" she cut him off with a wave of her hand "Elliot please, let me talk" she said scared that she would close up if she was cut off.

He nodded "sorry" he mumbled and she nodded "it's ok I'm sorry" she said feeling bad she told him not to talk.

"Go on 'Liv" he said to her softly "well it was…you know how her mom drank and hid all the bottles and she always gave Carrie shit for something. How she was yelling at her all the time and how her boyfriend was 21" he nodded "yeah" he said.

"Elliot…my mom she…you know how she was raped and had me?" he nodded "yep, I've known since day one" he said.

"She was like Carrie's mom…but she hit… always hit me, she yelled at me and I know she hated me….she even told me she did many times" she said starting to slowly shake.

"Casey plead her out because you asked her too…because your mother hit you? You told her your mom hit you?" he asked not really understanding what she was saying.

She nodded, scared that he hated her for not telling him and for telling Casey first, when she's known him for almost 8 years and only Casey for just about 3 and a half.

She forced herself to talk more, to tell him even if he did hate her, she had to tell him, and she promised Casey she would.

She took a shaky breath, she would deal with it later if it came to him hating her, but for now she would just tell him.

"I didn't understand it El, why didn't she love me?" she heard her voice crack _'hold it together Olivia'_ she yelled to herself.

"She…she always yelled at me and told me how I was stupid, no good, a waste of breath…a bastard child" she said.

"Elliot I knew where to find all her hidden bottles because my mother did the same thing, she would hid them when she finally got sick of me tossing them out…wasting HER hard earned money as I always poured the liquid down the sink" she said.

"She didn't actually start to…to…to hit me until I was 6, but it wasn't her fault I didn't see where I was walking" she said as tears rolled down her face.

**Flashback:**

"_Mommy you wanted your drink" a little 6 year old burnet said as she carried a glass of 'mommies' friend' in a plastic glass._

"_Hurry up and bring it Olivia, mommy wants to see her friend" Serena slurred from her sitting spot on the bed._

_She watched through blurry eyes as the tiny girl came slowly in the room with a glass in her hands._

"_Hurry up and bring that to mommy!" she said bringing her hand up to take the glass, but Olivia stepped on her mothers foot by accident._

"_Ouch, you little brat!" Olivia quickly stepped back and tripped; Serena tried to save her drink, but didn't succeed. _

_The glass ended up slipping all over the wood floor, the glass rolled under the bed. _

_Olivia's eyes grew wide "uh oh mommy's glass" she said softly, Serena's eyes grew dark._

"_Uh oh is right you little bitch" she said snapping up from her perch on the bed, she grabbed Olivia's hair and pulled her up off the floor._

_She slapped Olivia's face as she spoke loud, angry words to the scared little girl._

"_Don't you ever" slap "EVER drop" slap "anything" slap "of mine again" she slapped her one more time before releasing her hair and growling before shoving passed her and walking out the door._

_She turned around to see her little girl with a red face and tears streaming down her thin face, she sighed. _

"_Pick up the glass and get me more, I'll be in the living room!" she ordered before leaving Olivia and going down the stairs._

"What else happened 'Liv" he asked softly, still not really understanding what she just told him.

"We lived in a house with one of her drinking friends from when I was born until I was 8, the only reason we moved to the apartment was the cops were showing up to much and she was scared I would finally spill my guts."

Olivia wiped her eyes again and looked down at her legs as she went on speaking.

"I don't know why she was scared through, because if I did then she wouldn't have to look at me anymore" Olivia said bending forward and squeezing her eyes shut.

"So I had always thought she wanted me to tell them, just so she wouldn't have me anymore" she said rocking softly back and forth, she wrapped her arms around her knees.

She took another deep breath and shook her head; the images and the pain were still there, like it had all happened yesterday.

"I thought it was normal, I thought that was how everyone lived…with their mothers hitting them, yelling at them….hating them" she said wiping her eyes.

**Flashback:**

_An 8 year old girl stood in the bathroom and pulled on her dress, it was a special day at school and her teacher told them to dress nice._

_Her mother got mad last night when she told her she needed to look nice for school today._

_She yelled and yelled "why the hell do YOU need a dress? Nothing will help you look nice, you're a ugly little thing girl and you're a pain in the ass and nothing will help you" Serena had taken to calling Olivia girl, thing, bastard child or anything else that she could think of, she almost never called her by her name anymore._

_She looked in the mirror at her smiling face, her bruises and cuts stood out on her when she wore a dress, she frowned._

"_I don't want to be ugly like mommy says" she said and climbed up on the stool and opened the mirror, looking for the make-up she knew was in there._

"_Yes, now I will look pretty!" she was excited to wear grown up make-up and to get to look pretty for once._

_She took her time to put it as best as she could on her face as she had watch her mother do it thousands of times so she was very good at it._

_Just as she closed the mirror and hopped off the stool she heard banging on the front door._

"_Come on, open the door!" she heard someone yelling "no, go away!" she heard her mother yell; she opened the bathroom door and went to her room to finish getting ready for school._

_Olivia put her socks on, then her shoes and picked up her backpack and put it on, then she grabbed the house key and slipped it on her necklace and left her room._

"_And where the hell do you think your going?" her mother asked stepping in her way from going down the stairs._

_Olivia looked up her at "its school time mommy!" Serena slapped her face and then with her finger under her Olivia's chin, her nail digging into her skin she lifted up her head to make her look her in the eye._

"_Don't call me mommy; don't call me mother, I am not the mother of some little bastard child! You call me Serena!" she said giving Olivia another slap before heading to the bathroom, moving from the way of the stairs._

_Olivia quickly wiped her tears away, her face hurt but she was used to the pain now, as she always hit her there when her arms weren't around or good enough for her to hit._

_Olivia quickly ran down the stairs and into the kitchen she got a drink then took off her backpack to put the cup in it. _

_Her mother didn't like it when she left anything out of place and she didn't have time to wash it and put it back._

_She quickly put her backpack on again and ran for the door wanting to leave before mommy seen her and she got another slap._

Elliot shook his head, Olivia wasn't paying attention to him yet he knew she knew he was listening and watching her.

"My teacher, Mrs. Spears, she would see me like I was a real person worthy of being talked to…she would actually talk to me, I never had lunch ever when I was at school so she gave me some of her lunch" she wiped her face, totally not ready for what was about to happen.

She flinched when she felt an arm wrap around her slouched shoulders making her have to sit up straight.

But she flinched again when she was pulled into Elliot's warm body.

She knew this was as close to a hug as they were going to get for now at least until she was done talking.

**Flashback:**

_Her teacher, Mrs. Kylie Spears was always nice to her, and when she never had lunch she let her have some of hers when the other kids would go outside at lunch to play and Olivia would stay in the class reading, or writing._

_Olivia sat in the back of the room, where her desk was and started to softly count the marks on her arms and legs out loud._

_What Olivia didn't know was that her teacher was standing in the door of the class trying to hold back her tears as she watched and listened to her count the bruises left on her little body._

"_Olivia" Mrs. Spears slowly walked over to Olivia who stopped counting and picked up her crayon to start to colour on her empty page._

"_Olivia can I see your arm honey?" she asked smiling, blinking back her tears._

_She had never seen the bruises on Olivia but she always thought that's what was going on, she just couldn't prove it. _

_But now she could call the cops on whomever who beating her, as she now had the proof she needed._

_Olivia shook her head and got up from her seat "I'm not allowed to talk about the ugly me Mrs. Spears" she said before running out of the class, not aware of the teacher wiping her tears behind her._

"My teacher when I was 8 she knew something was wrong, she had even seen the…the marks once when I through she wasn't in the room but…she couldn't do anything" Olivia said shaking her head against Elliot's side.

"She…had called Children's Aid around the end of the school year after I showed up late to class with a bloody nose, a broken arm, blood on my…clothes and she could see a handprint on my face. I don't think she could take seeing my bruises anymore" she said wiping at her tears again.

Elliot held his left hand clenched in a tight fist, he had never been this angry before, and he knew if Serena wasn't already dead he would kill her himself.

He seen it almost everyday at work, a child getting beat by there parents or someone that was supposed to love them and take care of them, but her telling him this just might break him.

He opened his mouth to speak, but she stopped him when she raised her head, and he saw her face.

Her eyes were red and tears were flowing down her checks and she was fighting to hold in the anger and fear that threatened to consume her.


	11. Chapter ELEVEN

**Title: **Intoxicated

**Author: **shakeahand55

**Rating: **T

**Summary: **_He took notice of her face, it wasn't as peaceful as he would of liked but better then he's ever seen it in all their years together, as partners._

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them and I never will as they belong to TPTB, those lucky ducks! I don't own any of the songs I've used in this story either, they belong to the people who wrote them!

**Note: **Ok my life has been pure hell these last 3 years! So that's why I haven't written anymore of this, and right now I just wanted to finish it so it's not sitting at the back of my mind or on my hard drive waiting for me to finish it. Ok there is maybe one more chapter after this one.

* * *

Elliot let out a yawn and carefully pulled his arm from around Olivia, who was currently curled up beside him asleep, he let out a soft smile then frowned as he went over everything she told him in the passed 3 hours.

"_I can still hear her yelling at me, calling me names before she hit me. I can still feel her hand strike me as if she was still doing it…as if she was still hitting me right now" Olivia said, her smirk tight as she looked at the black TV screen._

"_Everyday of my life…El, she's gone, so why am I not free from her abuse? Why am I still feeling her hands hitting me, why can I still feel the pain as if another broken bottle has been thrown at me?" she asked as she turned to face him, he could see the different emotions on her face, the clearest ones being confusion, anger and fear._

_Confusion because she didn't understand why she felt like she did, anger at her mother for abusing her and fear, because she didn't know how Elliot would take it, would he leave her or stick by her._

_He was about to say something when she cut him off "you hate me, I can see it in your eyes, you hate me and" he cut her off before her ramblings got her worked up even more then she was._

_He knew how abused people acted, hell he's worked with them for years, so he knew she would be the same as everyone they had worked with, even through the abuse happened years ago, it was still fresh in the minds of every abused person who has ever suffered._

"_No Olivia I don't. I don't and I never well" he said "we work with abuse cases all the time, do you think I hate any of them?" she slowly shook her head, sniffing._

"_But you don't know them, you know me…you have for years" she said, her eyes puffy red and sore, her voice shaky and raw._

"'_Liv, I may not know them like I know you, but I know damn will that any abused person never got it because they deserved it, they never got the love they deserved, and you never got a chance to say anything because you were scared, you were ashamed" Elliot said to her as he softly rubbed her back._

"_But that's alright you have every right to be crying like this, she was your mother and she was supposed to love you, be there for you and protect you and she didn't" he said._

"_Instead she hurt you and even through all that you turned out amazing, and you don't have a mean bone in your body, so no I don't hate you. It's her I hate Olivia, not you, not you" he said making her look him right in the eyes as he spoke. _

_She had cried as she keep talking, he knew she had kept this all inside for many, many years and it was taking a toll on her, so he knew that a break down had a 99.9 chance of happening, and he knew it was going to be hard to listen to what she was telling him, but he would._

_He would listen for her, he would listen for all the abused people they'd worked cases on, he'd listen because he was her best friend and she deserved it, he would listen because as her friend he loved her and would do anything for her._

She had tired herself out after she had told Elliot everything she had to say and fell asleep soon after, the tears still falling.

He couldn't believe she had gone through all that and look how she had turned out, she was amazing, strong, compassionate and beautiful, but he knew she didn't see herself as any of that.

He sighed as he ran his hand over his face, all these years and this is the first time she's told him, told him about her abusive passed.

He wasn't sure if he should be a bit mad that they've been partners for 6 years going on 7 and this is the first time she's said anything.

But why?

He knew he still had a secret or two that he has yet to tell her and he knew he couldn't really be mad at her even if he tried.

He ran his hand through her hair, trying to calm her down, even in her sleep she still had her demons he knew that and he hoped that they would leave her alone soon.

He looked at his watch, it was going on 11pm and he knew Don would still be at the station so he quietly picked up the phone and dialled his number.

"Hey, Don it's me Elliot…do you remember the Eldridge case?" he asked, "yea that one…can Olivia and I take tomorrow off? I'll explain it all when I'm alone. No she's asleep I don't want to wake her…ok give me 15 minutes and I'll call you back" Elliot said hanging up the phone and putting it back on it cradle.

Elliot carefully moved out from under the sleeping Olivia and carefully picked her up; he knew she wasn't as heavy as she should have been but he knew she didn't take the greatest of care when it came to meals.

He carried her to her room and placed her gently on her bed, covering her and shutting the door behind him as he left her room, quietly as he could so as not to wake her.

He let out a sigh and shook his head, he would help her get over it, they were partners and they would be till one or both of them finally bite the bucket.

He walked back to the couch and picked up the phone and dialled the number he knew off by heart, he closed his eyes as he waited for Don to answer.

"Yes sir it's me" he said looking at his watch "I know it's 11 o'clock, I knew you would still be at the station. Ok the Eldridge case is why I'm calling" he said softly, he didn't want Olivia to hear him.

"Olivia…Don did you know Serena…ok we all know of her drinking problem, but Don…Olivia was abused Don" he said finally in a rushed breath, he wasn't sure he would be able to get it out.

"Serena, she used to hit her…Olivia said she was just like Carrie's mother was…Olivia probably felt like killing her mother as well, we know most abused kids want to, some even try to, and some do" Elliot said, he knew their Captain was having a hard time taking this all in, because he sure as hell was.

Elliot knew that Don was the father Olivia never had, he was the one person Olivia could look up to and not be scared of getting hit or called hurtful names.

He knew Don thought of Olivia as the daughter he never had and he knew Don held a soft spot for her, he did for them all but they knew he held greater pride in Olivia.

Was it because she came from a family with no father? Because she was an only child? Because her mother was an alcoholic? No one knew the answer to that and they didn't care if they ever did, they all liked things how they were, and they were just fine.

"She told me everything, how when she was 8 she went to class with a broken arm, bloody nose and a hand print on her face from Serena…after she got mad when Olivia slipped on the kitchen floor and broke a plate" Elliot said, he could feel his stomach turning.

"I don't know how she did it…how she worked the case…how she managed to live Cap…I don't know how she managed to become who she is today" Elliot said, chocking as he held back a strangled sob.

"We see it all the time Don…so why does this hurt more then anything?" he asked his boss, his friend, his '_father'_ as he wiped his eyes and cleared his throat.

"I asked for the day off for us both because I really don't think she should be alone right now, I know she'll act like nothing happened and get pissed when she knows neither of us are going into work, but she'll get over it" Elliot said nodding his head forgetting he was on the phone.

"Alright, thanks Don I mean it. I'll phone tomorrow night, yeah night" Elliot said before hanging up the phone, he let out a heavy sigh, now he just had to make sure Olivia was alright before he would let his tired body fall sleep on the couch.

He got up from the couch and walked back to her room, flicking on the bathroom light as to not have to turn her's on and walked quietly into her room.

She was sleeping curled up on her left side facing the door and him, so he could see the dried tear stains still on her face.

He took notice of her face, it wasn't as peaceful as he would of liked but better then he's ever seen it in all their years together, as partners.

He pulled the covers up over her sleeping body and brushed the hair from her face before removing her cell phone and alarm clock from her bedside table.

He didn't want them going off in the morning and waking her, but he knew she would still wake up just as early even without them, but he was still going to take them out with him into the living room.

He turned and took one last look at her sleeping form, the light from the bathroom just hitting her face, highlighting the tear stains but not awakening her.

For that he was glad because he knew she was even more exhausted then he was and he wanted her to sleep for as long as she could.

He smiled and walked out, making sure to close the door behind him and then heading to the kitchen for a drink before getting some sheets and passing out on the couch for some much needed sleep.

He had left the bathroom light on, he wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he felt safer if Olivia woke up and came out if the light was on so she could see him and not get freaked out thinking she was alone after tonight or if she didn't know who was on her couch.

Placing his cell beside hers on the coffee table by her alarm clock he closed his eyes as he stretched out as much as he could on her couch, his legs hanging over the arms of the couch.

"_You have no idea what it's like having a little bitch like you for a child, you stupid thing. I'm not your mother" Olivia ducked as the liquid splashed from Serena's glass._

"_You have dreams when your young, you have dreams of being married, have 3.5 kids, living in a nice house and being happy…but you know what?" Olivia could smell the booze on Serena's breath as she went on her rant._

_Olivia's shoulders slumped and she frowned, she knew what was coming, it was the same thing every time Serena came home drunk after work, if she didn't something wrong, or even if she didn't do anything at all. _

"_Because of you, you little bitch I couldn't have any of those nice things. I had to have you, I had to have a bitch like you" Olivia tried to block out everything her mother said, but it was always so hard, and she never could no matter how hard she tried._

"_I could have been happy" Serena said before taking another drink from her glass and then sobbing, Olivia moved from her spot on the couch and headed to her room hoping to avoid her mother's anger for the night. _

Elliot tried to stop the tears, but every time he closed his eyes he heard Olivia telling him about her childhood and he could feel the tears that he had forced away come back, ready as ever to make them selves a new home running down his face.

He wiped at his face, all but yelling at himself to stop it and get to sleep, he didn't know when Olivia would be up in the morning and he wanted to be ready for her tomorrow and ready if she told him anything else that she didn't tonight.

But he had a feeling that was all she had to say, and then he could hope that she would start to heal, start to try and think of herself as something special, and not as the worthless bitch she was called all the time growing up.

He rolled over and sighed as he waited for the tears to go from his eyes before he knew he would be able to actually sleep and not cry as he did so.

Who ever said men don't cry were stupid, men had emotions and after hearing your best friend, your partner who you've know for almost 7 years tell you she was abused by her drunken mother when she was growing up, would make the most manly of men shed some tears.

"You need a bigger couch 'Liv" he said in a whisper before falling asleep, his dreams full of giving Serena the payback she deserved after everything she did to Olivia.


	12. Chapter TWELVE

**Title: **Intoxicated

**Author: **shakeahand55

**Rating: **T

**Summary: **_Ok this is the lsat chapter! _"I know what you thinking El" she said "how out of character for Olivia Benson…but I'm so tired" she said picking up her cup and bringing it with her to the couch, he followed behind her.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them and I never will as they belong to TPTB, those lucky ducks! I don't own any of the songs I've used in this story either, they belong to the people who wrote them!

* * *

Olivia rolled over and with a sigh sat up, she had been laying there trying to get back to sleep for a while.

She didn't actually know how long as Elliot had taken her alarm clock, but she couldn't get back to sleep no matter what she did and it felt like she had been trying for hours.

She pushed the covers off herself giving up on going back to sleep and stood up, she jumped and felt goose bumps pop up all over her body as her feet touched the cool floor of her bedroom.

She felt like crap and knew she would look like it too when she looked into a mirror, and she knew she couldn't show up to work looking as bad as she felt.

She stood looking out her bedroom window for a few minutes listening to Elliot snoring before moving and making her way to the bathroom for a shower.

She stared the water and then made sure it was hot enough then went to the hall to get a towel, and then coming back into the bathroom she closed the door behind herself.

Stripping off her clothes before climbing into the tub and pulling the curtain shut behind her, she smiled as she felt the hot water hit her chilled body.

She stood under the water, letting it beat off her tired body for a few minutes before she moved to reach for the shampoo to wash her hair.

Her hair done, next she reached for the body wash and started to lather up her hands before running them over her body, she loved how good this made her feel no matter how crappy she felt.

"Mmm" she smiled as she started to heat up, she felt a whole lot better but she knew after she left the warmth of the shower, everything would hit her again.

Everything from their latest case, to everything she told Elliot last night and having to see Huang to sorting everything out about her life in general.

However, for now she did not care and felt like everything was going down the drain with the soapy water at her feet.

After she was totally washed she turned off the tap and pushed the curtain aside she grabbed her towel and wrapped it around herself.

She stepped out onto the floor and proceeded to dry herself before she opened the door, the steam following her out into the hallway.

Moving to her room to get dressed she dropped her towel and started to put her clothes on, followed by combing her hair.

Then she moved back to the bathroom to clean up the water on the floor and put the dirty towels and her dirty clothes into the hamper.

She closed the curtain then moved to the sink to brush her teeth, glad that she felt clean everywhere, because last night talking to Elliot she didn't feel clean.

She knew how rape victims didn't feel clean, but abuse victims didn't feel all that clean either, but in a different sense then the rape victims.

She didn't think that when Huang had asked her what she meant by feeling dirty, she had explained it good enough, but she knew he understood her, but she wasn't sure she understood herself.

"_I don't feel clean…I know rape victims, they are always saying how they feel dirty, but I feel dirty too." Olivia said as she sat on the couch across from Huang in his office._

_She looked around her, anywhere but look at him as she spoke "can you tell me why you feel dirty Olivia?" he asked her, his voice helping to keep her calm._

"_All the names she would call me before, during or after she would hit me, your nothing but a bitch, your stupid, a pain in my ass, you wrecked my life you worthless bitch, you'll never do anything but cause people pain. George, even after all these years I can still hear her voice." _

_Olivia said before biting her cheek, she had told herself many times that she wasn't going to cry here._

_After 5 minutes of thinking and just staring at him she spoke again. _

"_All that booze, I probably smelled like I was the one drinking all the time…I had to clean up so much of her vomit I think that smell was permanently attached to me" she looked over his shoulder at a poster on the wall._

"_If it wasn't her blood on me, it was my own…most times it was my own of course, her having learned ways to not make her hands bleed when she hit me." _

"_She'd use her fists, broken bottles, books, pots or pans… anything she could get her hands on if she didn't want any blood on her clean hands" she never noticed as she started to play with her purse strap as the tears rolled down her face._

"_Sometimes she would slap me hard and I would fall onto the coffee table, the edge of the counter or anything that was b me, splitting my head open and knocking myself out…doing her job for her, and all she did was slap me" she wiped the tears away, her voice wispy._

"_Your stupid, you know that Olivia? Can't even do a load of laundry correct, you had to go and fuck up my good shirt because your stupid fucking little head doesn't know how to change a dial from cold to hot!" she tensed as if hit, George watched worried about her, but knowing all this would help her in the end._

"_I know she was right…" she trailed off sniffing and looking down at her feet, her eyes tracing shapes in the light blue carpet. _

"_Those things she said to you Olivia, they hurt you and made you believe her." She looked up at him as he spoke._

"_You believed that all you did was cause people pain, and that you were worthless and stupid…but you know none of that's true?" he watched her as if waiting for a nod from her, he knew he wouldn't get one, not yet at least._

"_You are an amazing woman, your bright, successful, you finished not only high school but collage and the police academy as well making you a NYPD Detective."_

"_and you've got a lot of good friends who love you and would do anything for you, and I know you would do anything, and have done, for them" he said, seeing how her eyes lit up a little as he said how amazing she was and how much she had done in her life._

"_You think your dirty because you can still feel the blood, smell the booze and vomit," he said, she nodded, he gave a sad smile._

"_You may think you're dirty, but your not" George watched as she shifted her purse from her left hand to her right and back again for the 6__th__ time._

"_I still feel everything…I don't know…when will I feel better? When will the smell...the sounds, the feeling…when will it all go away?" she asked him, her eyes watery with new unshed tears._

"_You have to talk. Talk to me, to Elliot, Casey" he said eyeing her, he knew she told Casey as she's her only woman friend and women have close bonds, that and she told him after she got here._

_He was happy she told Casey, and now she's talking to him, and he knew once she spoke to Elliot she would feel a bit better, but she would never really feel better all the way, because the one person she needed to talk to was dead and had been for 4 and a half years._

Olivia wiped her eyes as she though about that night in George's office, she spent a good 2 hours talking to him.

However, for the first 30 minutes he just asked her about work and everything but the reason why she was there, so they could slowly work there way into talking about the big stuff, which he knew, would be hard for her.

She smiled, she was lucky she had such great friends; she smiled as she looked into the mirror before walking out of the bathroom and heading to the kitchen.

"Hello and good morning to all of you off to work on this bright and sunny Friday morning." Olivia turned on the radio and turned it down so it did not wake up Elliot, who was still asleep on the couch.

She noticed he did not look very comfortable with his legs hanging off, but what did he expect, he was at least one foot longer then the couch!

She shook her head with a small smile before turning back to the kettle and getting down two mugs and putting some coffee in them both.

"Traffic is coming up in the next 10 minutes but it's time for some early morning requests. So here's a song that was requested by Joanne Brown, so here it is for you Joanne, Smile by Josh Groban here on KLPC 99.9FM, New York's number one hit station!" the radio DJ said, her bright and cheery voice making Olivia want to toss the radio out of the living room window.

"Great, god I hate cherry morning people" she said to herself as she leaned on the counter watching the kettle boil.

She was listening to the deep voice as he sang and she smiled closing her eyes "mm what a voice" she said happily.

_Smile though your heart is aching  
Smile even though it's breaking  
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by_

She closed her eyes as they started to sting, all that crying she did not only last night, but for the passed week had wiped her out and hurt, not only emotionally but physically as well.

_If you smile through your fear and sorrow  
Smile and maybe tomorrow  
You'll see the sun come shining through for you_

"Right, like anything is going to go away magically today and be all fine and dandy and I won't feel this way if I smile," she said running a hand through her hair "god I'm being foolish, this is only a song" she said shaking her head.

"This guy is nuts…" she trailed off as she listened to his voice echo through her apartment, along with Elliot's snores and the sound of the kettle. _  
_

_Light up your face with gladness  
Hide every trace of sadness  
Although a tear may be ever so near  
_

_That's the time you must keep on trying  
Smile what's the use of crying  
You'll find that life is still worthwhile _

She never noticed that the snoring stopped, the words were the only thing getting through to her fogged up brain._  
_

_If you just smile  
When there are clouds in the sky  
You'll get by if you smile  
And maybe tomorrow  
_

_You'll see the sun come shining through for you  
Light up your face with gladness  
Hide every trace of sadness  
_

She jumped when she felt hands on her shoulders "hey, it's only me" Elliot said as he let his hands drop from her shoulders, he felt bad, he knew she might react like that.

"Alright come on sleepy head, you gotta get changed or we'll be late" she said quickly before he could say anything about her jumping.

"Ahh, 'Liv I gotta tell you something about that" she nodded and then shushed him as the singing continued.

_Although a tear may be ever so near  
That's the time you must keep on trying  
_

_Smile what's the use of crying  
You'll find that life is still worthwhile  
If you just smile _

"You know, for just a song this guy may have hit home for a few people" she said forgetting Elliot was standing behind her.

He smiled, letting it slip as he watched her pour the water into the mugs before steering them and getting the sugar and milk and putting them into their respective cups.

"Ok" she smiled, but he could still see the tiredness in her eyes, he knew talking was hard, but in the end he best thing for victims for abuse, rape or any other crime.

"Ok what did you need to talk about before I told you to shut up so I could hear the rest of the song?" Olivia asked wrapping her hands around the steaming cup as she leaned on the counter, Elliot beside her.

"I ahh…I phoned Cragen last night…mm I…I asked him if we could take today for a sick day, you and I" he said before looking at her, he could see her sigh, as if she had wanted to not go to work today.

"I know what you thinking El" she said "how out of character for Olivia Benson…but I'm so tired" she said picking up her cup and bringing it with her to the couch, he followed behind her.

"I'm just so tired" he took a drink, the hot liquid helping to wake him up "so your not mad?" he asked.

She looked at him and let out a laugh "mad? Well maybe a little, I mean I don't have anything other then work, but if you're going to be here then I guess it's alright."

"Anyway, I didn't feel like I could handle anything today…what if a victim came in telling us how her mom was abusive…I would probably break down, look like a total idiot and be forced to come home, all the while being embarrassed as hell" she said smiling as he yawned.

"Not get a good sleep?" she asked as he through her a look "no, you need a bigger couch" he said rubbing his neck.

She laughed again "it your fault for being so tall, don't go blaming my couch. I told you to come shopping with me that day, but no you were to busy sleeping, so it your own fault" she said looking at him before taking another drink from her cup.

"Mmm coffee" she said closing her eyes, she know he was trying to help her forget about everything, and even if it was only for a few hours she would forever be grateful.

"Ok…you wanna catch some sleep in me bed? I can run down to the store and pick up something for breakfast" he shook his head.

"Nah, let me jump in the shower throw my clean clothes on then we can head out for the day, after all it is out day off" he said eyeing her.

He wanted to let her have some fun today before they went back to work tomorrow, because he knew she was going to see Haung if she got some time tomorrow and it would be hard for her.

"Alright" she said, thinking along the lines Elliot was, wanting to have some fun before returning to the hell of work and maybe a visit with Haung tomorrow, so she wanted to have something fun to look back onto to help her smile and not cry.

After they finished their coffee Elliot had his shower, got dressed and within 30 minutes of her first coming into the kitchen after waking up they were leaving her house, for a day of fun taking their cell phones with them.

**THE END**


End file.
